Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Brothers Where Art Thou

Bygbaby.com Mindspill Over the last few weeks I have been engaging in conversations with some sisters out & about in Detroit about the dating scene & pool of potential boos. What I have been hearing is really fucked up & not really anything new if you read relationship blogs like Sugar n Spice, then you know what I am talking about.

Before women used to complain that all of the brothers were either in jail, on drugs, into white woman or gay or all of the above. Today what I am hearing is I cannot find anyone in my socioeconomic status, I cannot find a man with a degree and a job & most fucked up, I cannot find a man who does not live with his boys, cousin or momma.

When I hear the stories of looking for love, all I can do is shake me head and think about root cause of why these young (25-40) educated & seemingly successful women cannot find a man to meet on their level. To figure out where I am coming from read this or this story.

As an outsider looking in I feel bad for these women who want a Black man to spend their life & time with but are frustrated searching & coming up with little or nothing. BROTHERS, WHERE ARE YOU???

One of my recent conversations occurred at an AA Human Resources Professional conference with a woman from my area. This woman is in her early 30's with a MBA & has been single for 3 years has had a hand full of dated in the meantime. She says she meets men but they have not been to college or barley attended & have jobs not careers.

She went on to say that she was set on a Black man & would hold out hope for as long as possible. I then mentioned the census findings on interracial marriage & how Black woman have been hooking up with white men as an alternative then asked her how she felt about it.

She was neutral about it & said that sisters need to get in where they fit in but it would be a last resort for her.

So I had the almost the same conversation with this weekend with another sister who was down because her dating pool was limited at best but she was willing to jump into the interracial dating scene to find an "equal or better". I begged her to hold out for a brother (there has to be someone out there)!

I know there are brothers out there somewhere with the right set of demographics but I also know there are not enough to meet the needs of the YBP (young black professional) woman.

Wait let me take a second to wonder if sister’s expectations are a little too high. Are there skewed views on what success is???

BROTHERS, WHERE ARE YOU!!!!!!!

I wonder what this lack of "qualified men" is going to mean for the future of Black families. Actually, I don't even want to think about it.

Totally avoiding the interracial drama because I have strong opinions but I respect an individual’s choice(s), ladies what do you think is going on with the lack of available YBP men. YBP men, what are your thoughts & is it hard out there on you???

Labels: , , ,

posted by Tafari at 10:57 PM

22 Comments:

  • I think after people become a certain age they start to feel that if it doesn't happen now then it may never happen. For most people it is when they are 25-30. That’s when it starts...for most. I am only 22 and I already have that "I need to find a mate before my eggs dry up and I die an old maid with ten cats" itch. Its hard to admit but its hard out there. Especially for YBP women. All the guys I meet in my age group are undecided about education, career, and pretty much everything else in the world. And men that are slightly older (whom I prefer) have so many available women around them they find it hard to make a commitment. I try to be positive and say "I've got time...I'm only 22" but the truth is they YBP man is few and far between. Maybe some say our expectations are too high, but so what. If it’s out there we should be able to ask for it. And they are out there...but maybe it may no be wrapped in the packaging that we want (Black skin).

    By Blogger Michelle W., at Wednesday, August 22, 2007 9:12:00 AM EDT  

  • I think the whole discussion can put an unhealthy and materialistic spin on relationships. We are not slaves anymore, we are not commodities to be assessed for value.

    For most of history, the situation has actually been reversed, with less women than men getting an education. My grandmother only went to the 6th grade but my grandfather graduated high school. Maybe he shouldn't have married her because she didn't have a career path or a high school diploma. My dad has a masters, my mom only went to high school. Been married almost 40 years. Should he have told her that he wanted a YBP female instead of her? So me, I've got the master's and my husband is halfway through undergrad. I get tired of being asked by folks if I married him because I couldn't f'ing find any good black men with degrees. No, I married him because I love him, and hello, degrees don't make the man. Education can always come. A brother can always go back to school. But someone's character, now that's a whole other thing. An asshole's an asshole, no matter how many letters he's got behind his name.

    And as far as the interracial thing, if it's love, it's love. If folks seek it out because they've got some sort of issues with black men, then that's unhealthy and the karma will bite them in the ass. But true love is true love. Blood is red, not black, white or tan.

    By Blogger Liz, at Wednesday, August 22, 2007 12:14:00 PM EDT  

  • Wow! I was hell bent on waiting for that one brotha that had common sense, hard working ( blue or white collar), a strong sense of family values, some sort of spiritual direction. I didn't have to have that black man with a BA,BS,MBA or PhD. I want a man like my grandfathers & if he had a degree, like my dad. However, I have goals right now that I am focusing on completing. I'm not gonna ask a man to wait for me to get my S#*% together.



    We all know that there are some educated and non-educated sistahs/brothas out here that don't have a pot to piss in ...,yall know the rest, but they want their partner to have it all the degree, the car, the career etc. When we ask these brothas/sistahs what are you bringing to the table....don't just think education & finance....there is so much more to think about. A relationship is a business merger.
    Ro~

    By Blogger Ro~, at Wednesday, August 22, 2007 12:22:00 PM EDT  

  • *sigh* You already know how I feel. Thanks for the shout too! The one I'm seeing now is 32, still working on his degree, pretty cheap and just an all around asshole....but, I've been trying to work with him...now, I'm asking myself "WHY?"

    By Anonymous Sugar, at Wednesday, August 22, 2007 1:54:00 PM EDT  

  • Black women, please wake up and stop waiting for the black men to come around. I have heard black men complain they are sick of black women's fake hair and extra pounds and that is why they date white women. Black women need to consider all races for love and not limit themselves. A good man can come in any color.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Wednesday, August 22, 2007 10:38:00 PM EDT  

  • Oh my! Why did you beg your friend to hold out for a brother, Byg?

    When I was dating, I tended to prefer to date black men. And so do lots of women, of all races! It makes me sick that black men, who collectively are like 5x more likely to date someone who isn't black, judge black women for the same, when they in fact, rarely do it.

    Anyway, we all have a wish list for the perfect man, I suppose. Mine included that he had to be a good person, smart, attractive, interesting, driven, kind, well-educated (or be on his way), have a reasonable paycheck (or be on his way), that he read, and that he support me in my endeavors as though they were his own. Within attractive was over 6', black, in shape, and >200 pounds.

    But, there was no way I was going to compromise some of the prerequisites (like intelligence and kindness) for wishes like his height or race.

    So, my husband is white, not in the best of shape, and drove an Escort wagon when I met him. Was he a better choice than the last black man I dated, who was 5'9", had a 220 lb. bodybuilder physique and a BMW, but wasn't as well educated as I was and essentially told me he was doing me a favor by dating me instead of the white women lining up for him?

    All I can say is that I've been married now 6 years.

    (And now my dh drives a 10-year-old Beemer. Hmmmm.)

    By Blogger brunsli, at Thursday, August 23, 2007 3:15:00 AM EDT  

  • Personally I just think its hilarious that all of a sudden people want to make a big deal about black women dating outside of their race as if black men haven't been doing it for years. I used to chuckle when I would get dirty looks from black men when I was out with a man of another race...but if the situation were flipped I would immediately be tagged as the bitter black woman. Come on now...

    And...most of the YBP men I have run into are cocky as hell. I don't understand the looking down upon blue collar brothers...who's to say they aren't motivated? So what if Corporate America isn't for him? Shoot...I just saw a FOINE electrician on the subway this morning...quit playing these games (lol)

    By Blogger Cluizel, at Thursday, August 23, 2007 8:25:00 AM EDT  

  • We're around! I have a degree - working on a master's - have a career - my own place - and am under 30. I'm black, diverse, intellectual, and tall & right!! Women need to have their game in order when stepping my way or it's a wrap. Funny how women really just want a jumpoff. How you gonna say you're ready for a serious relationship but have no idea how to submit...is it really all about you?

    By Blogger Darius T. Williams, at Thursday, August 23, 2007 9:08:00 AM EDT  

  • But see...we have to come correct when we approach yall...how is it wrong that we expect the same thing?

    By Blogger Cluizel, at Thursday, August 23, 2007 9:38:00 AM EDT  

  • Liz - On the old school piece, you are on point. What if? Alot of families would not have been made. And you know what, I did not consider the classism & elitism that this dating preference involves.

    Ro - "I'm not gonna ask a man to wait for me to get my S#*% together. LOL we all got to start somewhere.

    "And as far as the interracial thing, if it's love, it's love." I agree but cannot stand serial mixers (those who are pressed to date someone other than...)

    Anonymous - "I have heard black men complain they are sick of black women's fake hair and extra pounds and that is why they date white women." You could have came better than that!

    Brunsli - "Oh my! Why did you beg your friend to hold out for a brother, Byg?" Because I know that
    she will find one. Because you are frustrated with the pool why rush outside to get into a situation with someone from another group & open up a whole can of worms. I will always advocate for black love & unions, we need Black families to secure our future. Yes I know America is the melting pot but we did not come here to blend.

    Maybe I am in a glass house because my wife is mixed but the one drop rule is always in effect.

    Cluziel - "most of the YBP men I have run into are cocky as hell. I don't understand the looking down upon blue collar brothers." I had a friend go on a blind "hell date" the other day with a guy who had a good package but it was fucked up because he did not know how to act, was am elitist & was tipping on dark skinned sisters during the date. I was so embarrassed & ashamed of the YBP. he kinda makes me stance fucked up, no wait he does.

    ".I just saw a FOINE electrician on the subway this morning...quit playing these games." So did you step to him or vice versa?

    Darius - Woman always seem to want the bad boy (the jump off) but this brother is not who they truly want. I do not understand the insatiable need of most woman to have all this earth shattering sex. In the end, you always get fucked over by the jump off. Do your thing man!!!

    By Blogger Bygbaby, at Thursday, August 23, 2007 10:56:00 AM EDT  

  • This is a good post. Iont even know what to say, lol.

    I do find it interesting that only one man has commented thus far. Perhaps more will come....
    L

    By Blogger Lola Gets, at Thursday, August 23, 2007 11:57:00 AM EDT  

  • Of course I didn't! But I don't approach men like that...(which opens a whole nother can of worms)

    By Blogger Cluizel, at Thursday, August 23, 2007 12:34:00 PM EDT  

  • 2 more cents from me...

    You said -- "Because I know that
    she will find one. Because you are frustrated with the pool why rush outside to get into a situation with someone from another group & open up a whole can of worms."

    But don't forget, women really do have biological clocks, and if we want to have children with a husband and not a baby-daddy, we really need to meet him by a certain age (say, 31) to have enough time to date, be engaged, get married, and then enjoy the marriage a while without kids, or face a high-risk pregnancy or no pregnancy at all. (Maybe make that 27!)

    As for "another group," African Americans are not a monolithic group. We're from the North, from the South, from California, from Texas, Creole, West Indian, African, from high socioeconomic classes, from the ghetto, Christian, Muslim, Terry McMillian reading, James Baldwin reading ... I can see many cans of worms in black-black relationships, just like in all relationships.

    You said "we need Black families to secure our future" then said "the one drop rule is always in effect." So wouldn't a black women and non-black man form a black family in your book? (As you know, I reject the one-drop-rule. To me, it makes it seem blackness is a scourge inflicted upon a person, rather than a culture to be embraced.)

    You said: "Yes I know America is the melting pot but we did not come here to blend." Although I may have a different view as a first generation black person, but I don't see my personal relationships in a political way. To me, it's who I want to hold hands with for the rest of my life.

    --

    Byg & Darius: I don't think women want the bad boy any more than men want the ho. It may be fun to kick it with them for a while, but not for a serious relationship.

    --

    Okay, maybe that was my 10 cents worth.

    By Blogger brunsli, at Thursday, August 23, 2007 1:29:00 PM EDT  

  • This is getting serious. Everyone has solid points but the one that I find the most interesting is from Darius...

    "How you gonna say you're ready for a serious relationship but have no idea how to submit...is it really all about you?"

    For me, could you tell me in what ways do you mean submit? If you mean submit to what it takes to build and sustain a relationship, then okay, that’s all good.

    Single people act as though they are all of that. They have the whole world at their finger tips but no one to share it with. Many a night I have hugged my king sized pillow and I am not ashamed to admit it, but truthfully speaking, I'd rather sleep alone than start another relationship with an unsure brother who doesn’t have the “gumption” to get married. And that’s an exact quote.

    Leaving class, education, finances and all that jazz aside, I think it’s hard to date because of the lack of men who want to settle down more than the lack w/o that long list of requirements that YBP women claim to demand.

    To all women that read this I have a question...

    Would you really not consider dating or marrying a man that is sweet, caring, hard working, attractive and loves the Lord all because he doesn't make as much as you or because he doesn't have a degree?

    I can honestly say that Yeah I would date him and Marry his ass too. All that superficial stuff just leads to problems anyway.

    By Blogger Michelle W., at Thursday, August 23, 2007 6:35:00 PM EDT  

  • Bygbaby, when you say the dude "was tipping on dark skinned sisters during the date" by tipping do you mean insulting dark skinned sisters? I've never heard that term before. (I know I sound like a total nerd but I seriously don't know what 'tipping' means)

    To anonymous: it's amazing how these men complain about fake hair but when they see a black woman rocking her own natural (no chemicals) hair many of them just can't embrace it. When I decided to grow locks I had an ex-boyfriend tell me I should go back to straightening my hair, he actually said, and I quote, "I want you to look black but white"...WTF? Now all black men don't feel this way, I still managed to get a few dates even with a TWA (emphasis on the word 'few' cuz a lot of black men want the long straight hair and or weave swinging in the breeze)

    Anyway, fake hair and extra pounds is just a lame excuse. Dang...why is it always our fault like we drove them to white woman...hell, I don't see anybody blaming white men or Asian men because so many of their women date black men or in the case of some Asian women white men.

    Just admit it; you either A) Fell in love with a great woman who happened to be white B)Totally despise black women or C)are not attracted to black women or D) None of the above, you just ended up with whoever you ended up with.

    Whatever the reason is it's your business but stop blaming us, we are not all overweight with fake hair and bad attitudes.

    P.S. I've seen plenty of brothers with full figured white women so once again that's a bunch of B.S.

    By Anonymous Shay, at Thursday, August 23, 2007 11:50:00 PM EDT  

  • Around these parts (Ohio), if I see a black man with a white woman, it's almost exclusively a "full-figured" white woman. I rarely ever see black men with a "skinny" white woman. So yeah, that tired of the extra pounds thing is a bunch of BS!

    Anyway, I haven't had hundreds of swims in the dating pool, but all the YBP that I met seemed to always want to be in competition with me. Always trying to prove they knew more than me (they never did). Especially those in technical fields (I'm an engineer). I am currently in a 2.5 year relationship with a black man who has an associate's degree but has only worked blue collar jobs, is struggling, but I love him to death. We are different economic places right now, we have totally different backgrounds, but we love each other, we have the best time together, and we work it out.

    By Blogger Peajai, at Friday, August 24, 2007 1:08:00 AM EDT  

  • I live in a weird town, Atlanta. The dating scene is tired and repetitive here. I feel that many sistahs here have a YBP man only policy; and YBP men seem to date regardless of race, social class, and professionalism. I have found many Black men 45+ who are ready to finally settle down. After a lifetime of playing, they are ready. Whateva! Their kids are often older than me.

    Here,there are more available women than available men. Available= not gay, not on the DL, having 2 kids or less, working. lol! I have found very few preferred Black/Latino men. Preferred= straight, cute, healthy, young, no kids, educated, and working in a career. Of the preferred men, there are a myriad of all types of women chasing them. So why would a preferred man be interested in little ole chubby me when he can have a model, a video ho, someone to pay his bills, ect. ?

    So, at my early age, I have resolved that I may never find this YBP man with the rest of the numerous Black womyn. And if I do find him, he may be cross county or overseas. Long distance relationships- another can of worms not to mention personality/family background issues. Then, there are normal rel't issues to work thru.

    The odds appear to be against preserving the Black family. This saddens me in a way I can't express growing up in a 2 parent home. My parents (both Black) have been together for 40 years.

    As for interracial dating, I say to each his/her own. But I don't like dating White people personally. I have dated White men before and just don't want to do it anymore. I feel most comfortable with and around Black people. Interracial dating,for me, is like resolving to be alone in that they are both not my first choice.

    Good Post!

    DTW- "submit"; fa real?

    By Blogger Naturally Sophia, at Friday, August 24, 2007 1:58:00 PM EDT  

  • @NS:

    I was going to let that "submit" go. I figured I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he meant something like submitting a package equal to the package one requires in a partner. After all, he's "intellectual, and tall & right!!"

    By Blogger brunsli, at Saturday, August 25, 2007 1:40:00 AM EDT  

  • Cluziel - Take that chance boo!!!

    Brunsli - That was more like 25¢. "You said "we need Black families to secure our future" then said "the one drop rule is always in effect." So wouldn't a black women and non-black man form a black family in your book?" Black maybe so, let me rephrase, I am talking about the fate of the Black man, woman & child as a unit.

    "Byg & Darius: I don't think women want the bad boy any more than men want the ho. It may be fun to kick it with them for a while, but not for a serious relationship." Very good point, ho's are only fun for so long, not that I had an experience.

    Michelle W - "For me, could you tell me in what ways do you mean submit? If you mean submit to what it takes to build and sustain a relationship, then okay, that’s all good." I am waiting on Darius to back that one up too.

    Shay - Tipping was supposed to be tripping. I was typing too fast as always. The guy dogged her out on the date & made reference to her skin tone being kinda dark.

    What I see more often than not is Black men with a white woman who looks like a hot damn mess/trashy.

    Peejai - "I am currently in a 2.5 year relationship with a black man who has an associate's degree but has only worked blue collar jobs, is struggling, but I love him to death." That is what I am talking about & together you will both rise!

    Naturally Sophia - "Here,there are more available women than available men. Available= not gay, not on the DL, having 2 kids or less, working. lol!" Hello!!! LOL I hear in ATL you got go there cuz that is a Black gay capital.

    "Interracial dating,for me, is like resolving to be alone in that they are both not my first choice." damn, that was deep boo & I hear you.

    To all, I really enjoy how we can express ourselves openly & how you challenge me to stay on the ball!

    Bybaby

    By Blogger Bygbaby, at Saturday, August 25, 2007 7:03:00 PM EDT  

  • I read DTWs blog, and I think he means "submit" in the christian sense of the word, not necessairly (sp) sumbission to him.

    Id still like to see more men respond, but oh well.

    L

    By Blogger Lola Gets, at Sunday, August 26, 2007 8:45:00 AM EDT  

  • Mind if I jump in? I know I'm white n' all.. but.. I've dated white guys. I've dated black guys. Basically, the ones I've chosen have been the ones who could make me laugh - 'cause that is just the sexiest thing ever to me. :)

    But seriously, I agree with liz 100% with the "if it's love, it's love. If folks seek it out because they've got some sort of issues with black men, then that's unhealthy and the karma will bite them in the ass. But true love is true love. Blood is red, not black, white or tan."

    And as for all the comments about black women with the fake hair n' shit? Oh, puh-leeeze. Do any of you know how many white chicks have so much fake on 'em, if I were a guy, I'd be afraid to see what comes off between midnight n' morning.

    Blondes usually aren't natural. Tanning salons and fake tanning cream companies are RAKING in the bucks off white women. Throw in some fake boobs, an ass lift, fake nails, fake eyelashes, coloured contact lenses, and makeup that looks like it's been put on with a trowel... LOL If black guys are dating white women 'cause they don't want fake, they are definitely taking the wrong off-ramp.

    Love who you love. Love is not measured by education, a bank balance, or what kind of car he (or she!) has. I'm all about the pink puffy heart. :) All I ask for are warm n' fuzzy feelings. :D

    By Blogger trish, at Wednesday, August 29, 2007 11:45:00 AM EDT  

  • Lola - I guess DTW did not see the rest of the comments here becuase he did not respond:(

    Trish - This is an open forum & your thoughts are always welcome.

    Your perspective sheds light that shows that no one is perfect.

    Bygbaby

    By Blogger Bygbaby, at Monday, September 3, 2007 4:57:00 PM EDT  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home