Friday, June 15, 2007

What about this Love

The title of this post is inspired by one of my favorite House-Jazz jams by Mr. Fingers “What about this Love.” The song deals with the hurt of a man caused by the woman he loved.

“What about this love
Girl please don’t turn you back on me
What about our promise to each other
When times got rough you would not flee

It seems it was all in vain
Cause now all I have is pain
Thinking why I tried so hard
And you now you just disregard what we ever had…”

As I type this post I am on the brink of shedding tears & I hope by the time I am complete they will have dried up & I am in a better place.

It has now been officially been 6 months since I freed myself from the bondage of my former name & since then I have had some really great support from friends especially virtual friends & strangers & family.

On the flip side, I have had some really horrible reactions from people that have surprised & actually hurt me, which really made me evaluate the value of the relationships that I had with certain people.

In the last 6 months since my name change I have lost 1 good friend because she could not handle my name, which I am now over. Her problem not mine right. The one relationship that has suffered because of my name change was the one with Suite Suzy.

Since the name change I have received a very poor reaction from the woman that had my two children & committed to love & be my boo me forever 8 years.

I have heard things like:

  • That is a stupid decision; you are ruining your life
  • So do you consider yourself the King of Zimunda now
  • I married Brian & I cannot call you that because you are no longer the man I married
  • Why couldn’t you have chosen a different name, and the meaning of your name does not fit you, who do you think you are
  • You are embarrassing me & our family
  • My friends & others are laughing at you, while you think you are being cute
  • You changed your name to drive a wedge into our relationship & to hurt me

Bygbaby.com Mindspill With all of the above said, Suite Suzy refuses to acknowledge me during discussions, she now refers to my as “her husband” when she is mentioning me during conversation with others etc. Over the last few months I have grown accustom to this & have responded back by not responding when she tries to get my attention when she says “hey, you hungry, hey, can you change the babies diaper etc. Before it used to be Brian this, Brian that so now I am reduced to "Hey".

"Hey" is not my name.

Basically my self-cultural awareness & love have become too much of a change for Suite Suzy to handle. She has said, that I should have essentially talked out my decision to change “my” name with her & “maybe” she would feel differently. At this point that is water under the bridge & I have felt like if we did have this comprehensive discussion about a change that impacts my identity & she still had negative thoughts about it, I still would have moved forward because I am ultimately responsible for my person/my happiness & my well being. This is not to say that I discount input, but the bottom line lies with me.

We have had some knock out arguments over the topic & about 2 months ago I actually did break down & cried like a bitch because of her opinion. During this time she attempted to console me but I felt like it was too little too late, the woman that I love no longer loves the whole me. What is a Nigga to do.

Things kinda came to another head today when at her company picnic as she introduced the family, each kid by name but as she round to me, she stated “and this is my husband” leaving me to formally introduce myself. This happened 3 times & I have to admit, I was embarrassed. Damn are you that ashamed of me? The last time, I told the woman in our presence that she refuses to say my name in a friendly but spicy way & then Suite Suzy chimed in to say that’s not who I married.

It was right about this point that I decided to leave the picnic. While I as leaving she asked me what was going on & could I stay to at least help watch the kids to which I responded, “why don’t you call the man you married, the one you love”. Minutes later I was in my car headed home wondering, what was happening to this love.

Since I have left Suite Suzy has called my I don’t know how many times telling me that she loves me etc, trying to smooth things over but I’m too hurt to feel it now.

My name is not changing and neither is my mindset, Tafari is here to stay but part of me is questioning the inner Tafari if he is the cause of this turbulence, & if so what can he do to stop it. I am dealing with so many unknowns & emotions on a frequent enough basis that I am not sure where this love is going. I sincerely want it to remain but it is hard when you are dealing with the pain of 2 people.

Sunday, we are supposed to take a family trip to NYC for a couple of days & right now I am out of mental & emotional energy, I'm not even sure if I want to still go.

In the words of my boy Anthony Hamilton "I'm a mess right now"

Tafari

Labels: ,

posted by Tafari at 9:34 PM

26 Comments:

  • Tafari as a married woman , i know it takes compromise to make a relationship work ..

    just because u have been enlightened , does not mean she is also .. You cannot expect her to jump and accept a change she is not ready to accept . Right now you are confusing her , obviously she is hurt otherwise she would not disregard your name change , she cannot understand it. She is your partner , don't throw it away for a name . A name means nothing it does not sum up who you are as a person, perhaps both of you should take this veiw , if it makes her happy let her call you brian. Marriage or partnership takes commitment , there are tough times that you have to go through , changes that cause one half to grow and the other one not to grow , it is your duty and her duty to bridge this gap...

    i am sorry to hear your down... go to ny and have a blast !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    By Anonymous byrdparker, at Saturday, June 16, 2007 9:00:00 AM EDT  

  • Byrdparker - Thx for your sincere & candid advice!

    "just because u have been enlightened , does not mean she is also .. You cannot expect her to jump and accept a change she is not ready to accept ." So true but it sucks walking down a path along.

    Over night I have calmed down & hearing the kids so excited about going to NYC has helped me to change my mind. Plus I just got a new sharp white linen outfit to wear to the Color Purple tomorrow. Lord knows I would not want to waste looking good.

    Again thx & peace!

    Bygbaby

    By Blogger Bygbaby, at Saturday, June 16, 2007 9:48:00 AM EDT  

  • Tafari,

    Good luck with trying to sort this out. Hopefully the disorientation she feels is temporary: sometimes we do not want to feel left behind when with the people we love when we feel like they are changing. She'll become used to it when she sees that you are still the same person! I think what you have done is excellent and your choice is very inspiring. I too have been thinking about changing my name...if you don't me asking, what is the legal process like?

    Chin up!

    By Anonymous aulelia, at Saturday, June 16, 2007 11:24:00 AM EDT  

  • Wow...

    Hopefully the trip to New York will help the situation a little.

    jeez...wow

    By Blogger Michelle, at Saturday, June 16, 2007 11:34:00 AM EDT  

  • Opps...that spose to say "cluizel"...blasted gmail...whatever.

    By Blogger Michelle, at Saturday, June 16, 2007 11:35:00 AM EDT  

  • Aulelia - Thx for the love. The legal process was not as intense as I thought it was. Here is a link to the post where I go into some detail of what it was like to make my change.

    Cluizel/Michelle - I got you & I spelled it right this time LOL. Maybe after some Junior's cheese pie, trouble will magically go away.

    Bygbaby

    By Blogger Bygbaby, at Saturday, June 16, 2007 12:54:00 PM EDT  

  • Brotha, fix your eyes on the big picture. It's not just about you and your wife. It's about you, your wife, and those beautiful kids you mentioned. Part of being an African warrier is taking care of your family, being there with them, and loving them, Don't let anything get in the way of you being a present, supportive, loving, and understanding father and husband. your family needs you. And your name to them should be husband and father. Those are the names you should be identified as.

    I wish you a good trip with your family.

    BTW: The Color Purple was fabulous!

    By Blogger Angela L. Braden, at Saturday, June 16, 2007 3:31:00 PM EDT  

  • Your true self is your spiritual self so if that's the same or if it's grown in capacity, you are the man she married. It just makes me wonder, what's really bothering her? What's the root of her behavior/comments? Maybe she is feeling too caught up in what other people think about her. But, if she is, why? Is she feeling stress at her job? Is she feeling that pressure of being evaluated by white folks and trying to fit in? If she is, she may be longing to do what you are doing, but maybe she feels like she can't. Maybe she's secretly jealous of you and your ability to just let your old self go. Yeah, I think you have to really figure out what is bothering her deep down. Listen to her and just ask questions because you know how we women are...we say one thing but we really mean another.

    By Blogger Liz, at Saturday, June 16, 2007 5:31:00 PM EDT  

  • Poo...well you know I am FAR away from marriage...so I have nothing intelligent to add...but I hope you both find a way to work it out.

    By Blogger Cluizel, at Saturday, June 16, 2007 6:30:00 PM EDT  

  • Hi Tafari,
    It's been a while since I've read your blog but I'm bakc!

    I'm sure after a while things will settle down. Has Suite Suzy been given the opportunity to vent how she feels? If not, maybe if will you allow her to just get it all out she'll be more accepting afterwards. Try to sit and listen to what she is saying, you may find the name change is not the problem but that you did not include her in the process. Sometimes us wives just want to feel like you hubbys hear us!

    Communication is key........in any relationship.

    Peace and Blessings!
    Creyole

    By Blogger Creyole, at Sunday, June 17, 2007 12:00:00 AM EDT  

  • Ladies - Thank you all for jumping out to help! I hear what you are saying & it seems as I need to take some action to get things on a good foot. Angela, Liz & Creyole, yall got me saying damn; they are breaking it down!
    Well in 5 hours will be out the door headed for the airport but fist I need to spend 30 minutes under the dryer setting my braid out. Gotta look good for the big apple.

    Stay tuned, maybe there will be a follow up post.

    One Love,
    Bygbaby

    By Blogger Bygbaby, at Sunday, June 17, 2007 1:05:00 AM EDT  

  • You know my marriage is a hot ghetto mess Byg...you've been given some excellent advice...the two that stick out the most...byrdparker and aulelia!!... the most sage, angela saying your name is father and husband, which is exactly what Suite Suz calls you...work it out boo, the love is there...enjoy your trip! (((HUGS)))..
    ....just me...daez

    By Blogger daez, at Sunday, June 17, 2007 8:21:00 AM EDT  

  • I hope that you two can get to a place where you can both honestly share your feelings with each other and be able to build from there. Hang in there!

    By Blogger RedDredPrincess, at Monday, June 18, 2007 8:27:00 AM EDT  

  • well I hope u had fun !!!! it was a beautiful weekend in nyc!!! let me know how u liked the color purple , possibly i will take my mom and dad next weekend if i can get tickets.

    By Anonymous byrdparker, at Monday, June 18, 2007 10:49:00 AM EDT  

  • To all re: The Color Purple. It was great & Fantasia did an awesome job. My expectations were low but the blew out of the water.

    Suie Suzy & I saw it last summer & there are very few differences. I will do a post on this on the plan home tomorrow to past the fight time.

    There were some really funny things that made this trip crazy.

    I just woke up with a hang over we are on our way to Bloomies to shop & then to China Town so Site Suzy & The kids can get some fake shit.

    Peace,

    Bygbaby

    By Blogger Bygbaby, at Monday, June 18, 2007 11:02:00 AM EDT  

  • My prayers are with you and your family. I hope the two of you can come to some kind of common ground. Since I am not married and so far from it I will just keep you all in my prayers.

    Peace

    By Blogger Michelle W., at Monday, June 18, 2007 11:09:00 AM EDT  

  • In my life, Ive had two menfolks change their names/lifestyles on me. When it was by boyfriend, and I saw that he was really going all-out "Back to The Motherland" it bothered me, because it felt like he was leaving me behind (which turned out to be true, but we werent married). And the other fellow is just my buddy, but I never call him by his taken name, cause, honestly, it takes too long to say! LOL

    I think you should do all of the things the other ladies say, but heres my take: I think you should tell and show her that you arent moving on without her, that these changes in you are going to better you, AND her (and the kiddies). I think, in time, SS will be on board.

    But can she keep "Brian" as her pet name for you?? You know, for those "special moments"...???
    :)
    L

    By Blogger Lola Gets, at Monday, June 18, 2007 12:25:00 PM EDT  

  • I hope things improve. The thing is change affects folks so differently.

    Put yourself in your wife's shoes and think how you would react to a Major change she made and she knew you did not agree.

    Name changing is hard. I mean she has known you by your old name and then she has to change it. It is hard.
    I am not agreeing with how she is reacting to it. I think she is hurt and frustrated and is acting out. I am nod defending her. She knows deep down she is being mean.

    I hope things work out for you.

    By Blogger Shai, at Tuesday, June 19, 2007 10:01:00 AM EDT  

  • Oh wow! I won't even give my two cents, because some wonderful words have already been spoken here. I hope you guys are making sweet, sweet love like the old days (right? lol) soon! :)

    By Anonymous Sugar, at Tuesday, June 19, 2007 2:04:00 PM EDT  

  • Yo Bygbaby Im sorry about what you are/were going through. However, you just keep being the terrific and honest human being you are.

    Your wife/boo will come along because were is going another cat who can lay down that sweet, sweet bygbaby/tafari game the way you do.

    Their is only one you, that is the cat she fell for it has nothin to do with the name (what a person calls themselves) it has everything to do with your essence and uniqueness. An individual with as much information and concioness as you will figure this sh#t out.

    Peace my man

    By Blogger mark, at Wednesday, June 20, 2007 9:05:00 AM EDT  

  • I have had two friends change their name, and I must admit that I often draw blank on what to call them. Perhaps Suite Suzy just needs time to go through the grieving process. As the others pointed out, she wholeheartedly acknowledges you as husband and father...but I understand from her perspective its like you took Brian away even though you are the same person. For her, she may worry that if don't want to be the person she calls Brian, you may want to make other changes too...so she resists the change. Even though it is hurtful, I understand why its so difficult for her to call you by a new name. She'll need at least as much time to accept your new name as you took to decide to change it. Most importantly, remember to turn to and not on each other when you're feeling hurt. best wishes.

    By Blogger Renea, at Wednesday, June 20, 2007 12:34:00 PM EDT  

  • Hey Bygbaby, I really hope things start to work out for you :-)

    By Blogger Paula D., at Wednesday, June 20, 2007 4:47:00 PM EDT  

  • Tafari is your name. You do not need anyone's permission to change your name or to define yourself. You know who you are, what your real name is, and nobody knows that better than you.

    Tafari is your name.

    I will not denigrate your wife because I don't have that right. She's your wife. I will say, however, that one of the scariest things in marriage is adapting to the possibility - probability - that people change. People grow. People rise.

    Love grows, changes, and rises to the occasion. The absence of this quality in love is, in my opinion, the absence of love.

    Having said that, there is still time, and hopefully time can be the healer in this instance. I'd hate to see your marriage washed away over self-realization on your part. But whatever happens, my brother, you and I both know that Brian left the room a long time ago and he is never coming back. It's up to your wife whether she chooses to leave the room in search of an invisible man rather than treasure the flesh and blood in her presence.

    Tafari is your name.

    By Anonymous Keith, at Wednesday, June 20, 2007 4:52:00 PM EDT  

  • I'm jumpin' kinda late. Unfortunately I don't know the history I've only read your last two posts. I have a lot catching up to do because those two posts showed me a funny, witty person open to living life for the better. I hope in time that Suite Suzy will see that these traits are a blessing and they've probably increased since your enlightenment. I like Tafari, but I don't matter, Suzy does. In time, if she doesn't know you right now she'll decide to get to know you. If she wants to be with you she'll either get to know you or be unhappy. If you love each other and want to stay in love, you'll find a way.

    I'm a hopeless romantic. . .so sue me.
    Chi(:

    By Blogger Chi-chi, at Wednesday, June 20, 2007 10:22:00 PM EDT  

  • I've got a trifling story.

    I changed my birthday a few years back.

    To January 1....because it started to take too long to figure out how old I was.

    My kids were ok with it, because they were too young to be used to my old birthday (June 5). And I still get a Jan. 1 birthday card from some of my colleagues from Saint Louis.

    My wife and mother? Threw a fit. For reasons that I fully understand...even though this is a memory trick more than anything else.

    I appreciate you having the courage to change your name. But when you get married, some of the voyages you embark on are by default voyages for two.

    In understanding how your wife feels about this, I'd think about this route, as opposed to one that ends in her not being conscious, African, etc. Tafari, that road leads to nowhere pretty fast.

    Now on the other hand, if this was your wife's blog, I'd likely be telling her something similar. There is a middle ground here that's hard to reach because she isn't affirming your right to self-definition. But it is there...because her pain has a legitimate source.

    By Blogger Lester Spence, at Sunday, June 24, 2007 5:18:00 PM EDT  

  • @Lester: how in the world can you change your birthday? WTH. You cannot change the date you came here. Different from changing a name. smh

    By Blogger Shai, at Monday, June 25, 2007 10:02:00 AM EDT  

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